My Heart Project

In February of 2021 I broke. My heart had been pierced and drained of almost all love and hope, the rest was leaking out and I knew I better use what was left before it was gone. The most bereft part of me wanted the relief that the ultimate act of giving up would provide. But that was not me. That is not how I think, that is not how I wish to be in this world. It was not only the grief of losing my father, it was that huge emptiness that his presence had filled in my life and the link he was to the rest of my family. So, it boiled down to this. I needed some support from my family and they could not provide it. Everyone was struggling with the loss of the rock in our lives. Somehow I thought we would rise to the occasion without him because that’s what he always did. I found out that my siblings are not the pieces of my father that I had assumed they were. They were their own people with their own struggles and their own choices. They had chosen to look away from Alissa and I for years so I know I was delusional when I thought they would help me. But delusion allows us do things we normally would not so what started as a request for help became the call for help that got me into the crisis center in Montrose and ultimately on my recovery path.

This is all an experiment. Making bigger art. Blogging and telling my story in black and white. Acknowledging what happened and seeing the results of the years of personal healing work I have been doing. Seeing the me that has been working quietly in the background, watching and waiting until she was ready to make art again. She was gathering her materials and letting the ideas percolate.

Part of my recovery has involved handling a major medical incident caused by medications I received in rehab. Another reason I am always leery of big ‘pharma’. I mention it because last winter I began working with a personal trainer to continue my physical recovery so that I could enjoy this summer as a physically fit and healthy person. As part of his introduction he gave me several questions to work with around legacy. I thought it was a little deep for someone that was going to make me sweat - and I love Paonia for all those reasons - our host of alternative healers are always thinking big picture and that is why I prefer their modalities to those I must rely on when I need the ER.

If you are a parent your mind automatically goes to your children when you think of legacy. You can say “I raised a healthy, compassionate child.” Check. Legacy left. We are all children though and I have not always been healthy so what would that say about my father’s legacy?And even though he had five children and was a father figure to many more, we are and are not his legacy. His work, his political life, his romantic loves, his 37 years of sobriety, his rock solidness, all of those are part of his legacy too. I miss him not just as my father but as the man he was in the world. I was proud that he was my dad. His light shone on so many and I could only dream of touching lives that way.

I am only recently at the stage in recovery where I am called to give back to my community. I will support anyone that is interested in or striving for recovery and good mental health. I have resources and time to share. The biggest milestone in my recovery was a return to my experience of seeing beauty with my heart. That is how I describe my ultimate suffering in my recovery. I was sober but I was still sick at heart. I used a treatment protocol that included psilocybin to heal a devastating depression and that is one of the biggest parts of my recovery story. The outcome of the healing work I have done is a return to my creative self. With new joy and inspiration. Ready to fuse my story and my art in a way I have never felt the freedom to do.

I have picked a tie for each person that played a significant part in my recovery journey of the last 3-1/2 years. Each heart is palm sized and hand-cut and stitched. The hearts will hang as a collection so that each side can be viewed. I have used the ‘back sides’ to embellish with something that speaks to the gifts I have received from these recovery angels and ties this work back to the small leather hearts I stitched years ago. It feels right to stitch part of my legacy. And to share it. I want to acknowledge how many people have supported me in my recovery. It is astounding. I AM awed and ever grateful. I am excited to be among thousands celebrating recovery at the Denver Recovery Rally in 3 weeks. My hearts will be on display and shining a light on my community in support of AFRC’s mission of ending the stigma of addiction and shining a light on the hope of recovery. At the end of the month I will share that message in Paonia before they are gifted to my beautiful friends that held my hand and carried my heart over the last years.