Connection is the Opposite of Addiction

The first heart in my HEART PROJECT. This tie was fun because of the Beatles theme and I used the tribal vibe to kick off the series. The hearts will hang in a group so you can see both sides.

In February of 2021 I found myself struggling with my mental health in numerous ways. Overwhelmed by my situation of being a single parent to my niece I found myself addicted to alcohol, unable to physically stop and making actions toward suicide. I was stopped from going further into that darkness when I was admitted to the crisis center in Montrose, CO. That was the beginning of my journey of recovery. The path was not easy and the complex trauma that both my niece and I had been living with had not changed. What had changed is that I had begun to receive critical professional support that had been lacking in raising my child. We were complicated. We had multiple layers of trauma that both bonded us and separated us from ourselves and a real chance of having a healthy relationship. With help and intention I began the hardest and most profound work of my life. Learning to understand, heal and love myself so that I can be the best person in my life and my relationship to Alissa. It is an ongoing project.

I found Advocates for Recovery in the fall of 2021. A young woman in my IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) had been attending their online meetings at the advice of her parole officer. Limited by the availability of any recovery meetings because of location and Co-Vid I was struggling to find a community and support in the many hours outside of IOP. And I was relapsing because of it. I struggled with the local AA because I did not want to identify as an alcoholic and I did not want to admit I was helpless. And well, the God thing. I was also often the only woman in the small local group and I was not allowed a male sponsor. It was not what I needed at the time for real support. Advocates for Recovery is a Colorado based nonprofit organization that supports all pathways of recovery from addiction. All services they offer are free including Peer Recovery Coaching support, in-person & online recovery meetings and family friendly community events. AFR had started to expand and there was a Peer Support Specialist and a weekly in person meeting in Montrose. I took advantage of both. The combination of professional mental health support and a community of people seeking solutions to their problems in addiction was the best medicine I could have found.

I have met the most amazing people in recovery. I am actually grateful for my experience of addiction for many reasons. It softened my heart to the struggles my sister lived with during her life and what ultimately ended it. To see that I too, the healthy one, could be brought to the brink and could lose my ability to stop my self from harm was incredibly humbling. To experience not one but two visits to the ‘psych ward’ was also a view into the life my sister led as she would seek refuge through breakdown and escape. I have always been the fighter, the supporter, the one that will do the hard things so I was scared when I realized I did not want to fight any more. That was shocking. So I clung to whatever I could to stay on this planet awhile longer. To be the parent I wanted to be again. To experience the beauty I knew I saw in the world around me.

Recovery is hard. It is every day all day long if its what you really want. Co-Vid made online meetings available to everyone at every time of day. That is one positive thing I can point to about the lock down. I found a tribe of peers that saw me and loved me even when I was the most broken I have ever been. AFR’s mission is for all Coloradans to have support for active and sustained whole health recovery, free from stigma and inequity. I have found them to be true to their purpose. A nonjudgmental, completely supportive and solution based program that creates a safe place to be vulnerable and connect with others working on their recovery. Beautiful souls who have infused my life with love, compassion and true active support. They carry me through each day, every challenge and I look forward to sharing any and all small and big successes with this tribe I love so deeply.

The first heart that I made for my project was this one. I called it mine because I needed so much hand holding. And I needed to find this tribe so that I had a reason to keep living and growing. I needed to be seen both broken and whole. I needed the unconditional love I found in my home group. I also want to acknowledge that my hand is out now. I can hold yours if you need it. I am strong and healthy. I can introduce you to a tribe if you are lacking connection. And we will love you when you need it. There is always hope. We can and do recover.